Just What I Need

Have you ever been in such great pain you think your life is just one example of a hopeless case? I have.

This might be getting old, but I just can’t write anything about grace without this.

Trivia: I was once carried by my dad also, I loved to wait by the gate for him to show up every time he comes home from our farm. But, things never stay the same and change remained constant. Growing up, I felt deprived of a father’s love for a daughter, I wanted my share of love too. I was a child, just like any other child in my classroom. But, why were they getting the love they need from their dads and I’m not? I could be doing things the way he wants me to do it, but why on earth am I not getting the love I deserve because of the efforts I give?

It was painful.

I felt like a complete weirdo when I entered college. I had two friends with me, but I didn’t quite fit in with their style. They were Kikays. I was much more like a “jologs-part-time-chic-part-time-i-don’t-care” but just to fit in, I went full blast on girl-y kits so I won’t feel like an alien with them whatsoever. Their habits were different with mine, and so I had to adjust to them because them adjusting to me wasn’t going to happen. We were doing good. Somehow, in an unusual kind of friendship, I had learned to love their ways.

But then, something happened. A simple cat-fight turned lionesses roaring against each other, as if they were hunting the same prey. I said to myself, “I guess this was how things will end.”

And it did, our relationships as “best-cliches” went down the drain, and even when things were mended – the bond never came back.

It was painful.

It feels wonderful to be loved by someone, especially when they make you feel like you’re a priceless diamond. I was valued, appreciated. I felt important, goodness – he got mad every time I wouldn’t answer his calls – who wouldn’t feel like a celebrity with that? But even celebrities with the greatest demands feel strangled. And that was what it felt, years  after. With the fights and everything that was needed to fulfill in a long-term relationship – it was no longer cute. It was destructive.

Again with the pain of a relationship that was bound to meet its end. Again with the painful toll of emotions when you’ve invested so much of yourself. Again, with the heartache, again with the loss.

It was painful.

I was getting my grades up, I was aiming at a golden price at the end of the road: A Title. Something I can boast about. But then, grades went low and the drive to get high again just wasn’t strong enough anymore and my dream was suddenly so hard to reach. All it took was one compromise, and I watched everything: my goals, my future job, everything – I watched everything crumble.

And what made the pain even more unbearable was that, I just couldn’t start from scratch again. I couldn’t turn back time to when I was more driven by my passion to make my parents proud and get a good life. I felt like a waste.

It was painful.

You might be wondering why I narrated some of the painful things I’ve experienced in the past but here’s why: they were just what I needed. Right then, right there.

There came a point in my life that every stupid thing I’ve ever felt, the need, the selfishness, the wanting something more, just felt like a whole burden upon my shoulders and I just couldn’t carry them anymore. Everything was just so heavy, and I can only shoulder so little with these teeny-weeny-tiny limbs of mine. They were just too much.

But God has His way of redeeming painful circumstances, emotions and emptiness to His purpose and will. He has His own process of molding us, even before we were even submissive to His will.

Yes, I felt deprived of the love I wanted to feel from my father, but that pain was what drove me to seek refuge in Him, and it still is the same pain that draws me back to what I couldn’t gain, no matter how hard I try: His love. He is just so loving. And He is teaching me to do the same thing, to love without asking for anything in return – and I do love my father, only now I don’t require so much from him anymore. I have everything I need.

Yes, I was indeed hurt with the loss of friendship but the loss became great gain when He arranged everything in order. I lost friends, but He gave me friends which He used to bring me back to Him. Group of friends that I am now enjoying, both company-wise and heart-wise. He is just so sovereign.

Yes, a relationship of what I envisioned was supposed to grow more into a lifetime commitment was cut short to just a few years. But the pain, the tears and the scars were not so I could be scarred for life, but so I could be a testimony of His grace. He renews even the most screwed people in this universe, and I simply wasn’t one He couldn’t handle. He is powerful, and miraculous.

Yes, the dreams I had put my hopes on were crumbled. But He made me realize that there is nothing in this would I could boast about, only His grace. That everything in this world is temporary, and there’s no use if I mourn on these things for a lifetime because there are just greater things I could do, and He intends for me to do.

And what’s the greater deal? It’s that everything, every pain written here happened when I was still seeking for the simple and temporary joys of this world. I’m not saying I no longer experience pain now that I’m a Christian, “christianity” in a sense is not a license to a better life but an entrance to a-lot more struggles. The cross isn’t only a wonderful picture of how Love died to save us and give us life, but it is also a picture of slow-and-torturous death. It calls us to die too. Not because of His wrath but because of His life. He calls us to die to ourselves, everyday. And that’s not low on suffering, only now – the focus is no longer upon your grip but His.

God is sovereign. He will redeem painful circumstances for his greater joy, that of which cannot be stolen by anyone. And there’s no question whatsoever about that in my mind anymore.

His grace surpasses all understanding, and He will reveal everything in His own way, in His own time and His own will. Keep trusting, Keep the faith. He is steadfast. And He loves you, so much that He will refuse to leave your heart as it is. It might be painful, but He is worth it.

He might be allowing pain to penetrate you the way it penetrates you now because He knows it’s just what you need. Keep Trusting.

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