As another birthday comes close, it hit me with a hard bang that another year of my life has passed and is about to end. My eyes got a little bit wet and teary when I took the time to look back upon what a year it was for me. I remember the same time last year, was when I was running back and forth for some “mini-debut” preparations. I had fun but it was more draining than it was enjoyable (haha!)
Mini Sneak Peak:
But all in all, watching it unfold even when it wasn’t any girl’s dream celebration – made everything worth it. I gave my ending speech, a little photo-op and waved good bye to everyone. It was a great experience, but I never recalled anticipating anything that was bound to happen.
Was I prepared? Was I ready? Did I see it coming? No. No, I wasn’t ready. No one asked me. I was experiencing everything spontaneously, simultaneously. I was oblivious indeed, but that’s what made the adventure epic. God turned me 180, a complete opposite of the young lady I once knew.
God taught me lessons I’ll always remember, my starter pack. My closet need. My capsule wardrobe. God taught me great things with small stuff.
18, for eighteen. Eighteen lessons I learned – a detailed narrative of my life, at eighteen.
He told me I was a sinner. And that He was holy. Everything, every “good” thing I did – morally still fell short of His glory. Everything about me was darkness. Everything indeed. From the moment I was born, I said “hello” to the world and fell in-love with it instantly. I did everything selfishly, I lived for myself. I was sinful, even when I thought I was better than those in prison for doing bad.
He told me I no longer need to do anything. Because I couldn’t do anything about it. I can’t do good, and become an angel. I can’t do moral stuff and say I’m no longer sinning. I simply couldn’t save myself.
He told me He loved me so much. John 3:16 – For God so loved the world. Despite my sinfulness, He acted in Love and in Grace. He loved me still.
He told me He died. John 3:16 – that He gave His one and only son. He died, for me. He died to redeem me, and to set me free from the bondage of sin that held me. He died, because I was helpless, I was hopeless and there was no other way for me to be saved.
He told me, He’s alive. John 3:16 – That whosoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. He died, and now He’s alive. He died, to let me live. He died, so I could rise with Him in this new life. He’s alive, and He’s with me – in this journey.
He told me to follow Him. Because I am now His. He died as a payment and now I am a slave, again. But of righteousness. Because in this world, I am no longer held as a prisoner. I am free, to live and live for Him. Live, a life that’s alike the life He lived when He lived here. He came, to set an example – and that example shall I follow. Freedom in Christ, Oh this is life.
He told me He’s perfecting me like silver. Until I reflect His life in mine. As I’m typing this, I’m back at my friend’s car again. We were on that conversation about silvers again, sharing the verse Malachi 3:3 again. He explained how the verse signifies so much of God as our watcher. “Watchers of silver sits upon the element, not letting a single detail slip through his watch. Waiting until he sees his face reflected back to him, until he sees himself.” Oh, how wonderful that realization was.
He told me it’s okay to get hurt. He told me it’s okay because that’s how I get refined. Because it’s in those times when His comfort and love abounds. It’s okay, because He’s my comfort. And it’s okay, because it’ll all be over soon.
He taught me disappointments make way for greater things. Because things that slip through your fingers, even just by a little bit – are yours to JUST experience, not to keep. It means it wasn’t His plan for you, and that He has something better in store. It means that you’re bound to learn from this, and look back proud and head held high: “Oh, Lord. That’s why!” – God did take away, but it made way for the ones I am eternally grateful for. My friends, and the family I’ve found in the people He has blessed me with.
He told me my struggle is not in vain. Because in every struggle, in every pain I felt as needles were sinking deep within my skin, it’s okay because in those holes he’ll fill himself in. My struggles were not left to be felt in vain, forgotten and never to be remembered. They were to become testimonies of His grace, and how He got me through them.
He taught me that loving may sometimes mean getting hurt. Because loving means you’re denying yourself – if by chance, you’re selfish in love.. then you have not loved at all. It hurts because we care – and he showed me that when it hurts, I should always remember what He did. He died, because of love.
He taught me that by making mistakes, I learn. Because these are our greatest teachers, God’s best tool. “There’s not a man who has won as much as when he lost.” – because not winning a battle, means not losing the ability to learn and do better the next time.
He told me it’s okay to be weak. Because even something as defenseless as Children, are in God: secure. It’s okay, because His strength is ours when we come defenseless before Him.
He told me I don’t need to feel insecure. Because my God is perfect, and he sees me perfect – not that I am, but because I’m not standing before Him as “me” but it is His son that stands for me, therefore I need not to feel less than who I am. I am in Christ, and that’s all the security I need.
He taught me to never regret the chances I didn’t take. My “it could have been(s)” were His “should not have been(s)” and so it never happened, it never applied because it wasn’t part of The Plan. His plan. He is sovereign, and will forever remain sovereign.
He taught me how to trust and depend on Him. Because He showed me how fast circumstances change. How the wind can blow east today, and west tomorrow at the command of His voice. He showed me how great He was, and how much I should seek refuge not upon other things, but upon Him.
He told me I don’t need to hide the embarrassing stuff I’ve experienced. The time I realized this, was only yesterday. I realized how embarrassing it feels to share Christians more mature and older than you that you’ve gone complacent. But it’s okay, because it means He got me through it.
18. And at last, He told me to wait. Upon Him, in everything.
To wait and trust upon His timing, because He is perfect and so are His plans.
To wait and be patient with circumstances I can’t understand because He is teaching me a lesson in love and in grace. He wants me to grow.
To wait and anticipate His return – because this world is unforgiving to Christians, but His kingdom is the best kingdom one will gladly suffer for.
To wait for Him, because He’ll be coming soon.
*kilig* Oh, Father. We’ll see You soon.
In a year, God showed me how much of a human I was and how much of a great God He is – and always will be. God – is God and that’s how it is. Forever, and ever and ever. My year, my “starting point” clearly wasn’t a walk in the park. God had to pry my hands open, because I was holding the world so hard – and it hurt. I fought against God for the stuff He wanted me to let go of, I fought against Him. But just like how the enemy is fighting a losing battle, I lost too. God opened my eyes upon the better things. Better things I couldn’t see. Glory belongs to Him, and Him alone – I make no boast because I could never have done anything if not because of Him and His grace. God, indeed – is a miraculous God because He has worked His miracle in me.
And so I end with this.
Another year, bound to start. Help thy servant, oh thee shall hold one’s heart.