First among Firsts

I want You to be my first love.

I will come to confess that in a worldly perspective, I have always understood the meaning of “first love” as the one you’ve felt those cringey sparks with first. As You welcomed me with open arms and made me realize things I never realized before, You told me that “first love” doesn’t mean “first fall” – it means “FIRST” before others.

When kids talk about love, it sounds like the most wonderful thing in the world. And it is, because You, Yourself are Love. But when I dig deeper in the meaning of love, there are depths in it I cannot fathom no matter how much I try to understand.
How You can take my sins away from me, wear it and *poof* it’s gone. How You can die for my sins, when You can just punish me and You still won’t sound unfair. How You can look at me and think of me as Your child, when I mocked You my whole life. How You see me as wonderful, when I can only see myself as a failure. How You can cancel my debts and free me from slavery, when I deserve nothing less than Your wrath. How You can take my dirty garments and make me wear new ones.

For God so loved the world that He gave is one and only Son that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life. – John 3:16

How You, the God and Father. The Creator. The Lord. The Lion. The Beginning. The End. The All in All. The King – can take on the nature of a servant and be obedient to death, because of Love. The one who deserves a perfect sacrifice, became THE perfect sacrifice – because of Love. Became a Lamb, because of Love.

In Your grace, it impressed upon my heart a simple prayer I’ll be praying my whole life –

“Lord, I want You to be my first love.”

I want to love You so hard, nothing else matters. I want You to be the only one that marks change. I want You to be my only choice when the world displays other options. I want you to be the first one I run to when life gets rough. I want to stand beside you when I conquer mountains I can never conquer on my own. I want to cry with You when my heart is breaking because I felt cheated. I want to be carried away by You to calmer oceans when the waters are turning my sails. I want to be with You in my quiet times, much more in the times when I’m in chaos. I want You to become all I think about, I want to be inspired by You so much that I just continue living my life in Joy even when my surroundings say otherwise.

I want to love You so much, it hurts.

I want to be so conscious of myself when You’re there, which is – every minute of everyday. I want to be aware of Your presence – that way my heart would be more inclined to please You. You, above others. You above the people of the world. You, above the person I’m praying for. You, above my friends. You, above my family. You, above strangers. You. I want to get hurt when I hurt you. I want to cry when I’m in pain because I caused You so much pain. I want to feel empathy when I fail You, to know how painful it is for You – so I won’t do it again. I want to picture my heart with You, get it marked with Your love, get it washed in Your blood. I want a heart that delights in You – so I can say no one else claims it, but You.

I want to love you, because I want to love like You.

I want your love to be my gauge of love. When I started listing all the people I loved, You reminded me that there shouldn’t even be a list and if there was, it should only bear one name: JESUS. Because loving You makes me love everyone else too, as they were created by You. And so was I, crafted in your likeness – I want to be like You in so many ways. I want a love that pleases You. That speaks nothing of personal gain but of worship. I want a love that denies itself. I want a love that never tires, a love that never ceases and a heart that will never be hardened with the disappointments people give – or the pain the life brings. I want to be patient and forgiving, like how You are patient and forgiving. I want to be kind, like You. I want to give, like You. I want to be able to give a love that speaks of grace, like You.

I want you to be the first. My first. My love, Jesus.

I want my every action to flow through You and for You. I want You to be my first – because I want to follow you. I want to love you, because I want You to be my standard in loving.

We love because He first loved us.
-1 John 4:19

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